Memories Hurt

Amazing what a simple conversation and some slightly downtrodden depressing music can do to ones mood. I was okay, I was more then okay I was perfectly amazing...and then all it takes are a few words here or there and plop, there goes that. It`s not easy to think about my past, nor write it and even less to speak it but I feel like every time i tell one more person it hurts that much less in my heart. Losing my dad at 16 hurt, it still does sometimes i pretend it hurts less then i want it too and sometimes I'm not lying when i say it doesn't hurt.  after him dying then life changed doors opened but things got more complicated. i found smoking and drugs and booze i found guys and sex and i found more abuse. no longer at the hands of a parent, but boyfriends. ones that had no problem with hitting me or getting me pregnant at 17 and then making damn sure i miscarried (13 stairs to a concrete floor), no problem raping me,or  making a promise of marriage and fucking the whole town and telling me the day before the wedding. i found razor blades and skin, i found release through a new kind of pain, something that became a daily thing in my downward spiral, my secret, one day it stopped being my secret one day it did go to far one day i almost lost it all. then i dealt with bad family relationships and then more drugs and throw in this mixture of shit no stable home. moving sleeping on the streets bouncing place to place and then factor in the meds. they called them meds i call them more drugs, i was doped to my fucking ear tips with first one drug then another and another each progressively getting higher in dosage till it ended up being paxil, and then that dosage being uped and uped until my entire day was wasted in a haze of fleeting thoughts and nothing concrete. its sad to sit and think these thoughts to relive the shit i dealt with but thats just it i sit here i am here i am me. i fight i am strong and i will make it. not just once or twice but again and again.